Friday, November 23, 2007

Sigh

Yesterday was a complete fiasco. My mom called yesterday as I was printing out directions to my Aunt Diane's house saying Grandmas blood pressure was high. Sigh, of COURSE it was high, I'd really wonder if it would have been low. She has anxiety and it was the anniversary of my Grandpa's death. So I told her to go on without me, I'd be there in a few mintues. I waited for the printer to be done and I needed to slap some foil on my pumpkin bars and I was out the door.

Grandma didn't want to go to Cedarburg because it was so far from the hospital which I completely understand. Then we got invited to another Aunt's house which was a lot closer and Grandma didn't want to go there either. My mom suggested going and getting take out Turkey meals from the Greek Resturant. I said I'd pass, she told me not to be like that and it all went down hill from there. I could not stop the tears from running down my face. Probably about 2-1/2 hours worth.

Then we discovered her inhaler was empty. Can I just say that there's a good reason for Walgreens being open 24 hours a day? Ok, so empty inhaler, well where do pharmacies put the label? On the outside of the box. What do you do with the box? You toss it. (I have this gripe with my epi pen too...why not put it on the PEN instead of the outer container where it's just going to rub off??!?) Her pharmacy was closed. The only way to get it filled was to call the doctor and ask them to call a prescription in. So, I run to Walgreens only to find that I don't have the right medical cards and go back to get the right ones and back again.

All I wanted from going to my Aunt Diane's was the chance of one "normal" Thanksgiving like we used to have in the old days when my Grandpa was alive. Granted, our family is nothing normal but I just really, really, really was craving those odd traditions and odd people.

By the time I got back from Walgreens it was after 5 so I told my mom that I might as well just go do Murphy's insulin for her. Then we got into a huge fight. Who would have thought it could go more downhill from there, but it did.

So there I was, standing in my Mom's kitchen with my face soaking wet giving Murphy his insulin when my Aunt Kitty called me and told me they were holding dinner until I got there. Man...she's good at getting people to do what she wants, it's kind of frightening!!! So ok, I let the dog out and then I went over there. I did have a really nice time. My cousin Keri was there who had just gotten released from the hospital with the baby only a few hours before. So it was just nice and low key. Kassidy's already adopted one of Mackenzie's baby quilts which we KNEW was going to happen. LOL.

All in all, I think I need to be done celebrating Thanksgiving. The holiday has just been jinxed with bad juju since my Grandpa died. It was his favorite holiday. I think I just need to accept that nothing is ever going to be what it was and nothing can compare to it so I think I just need to give that holiday up.

I just miss holiday traditions in general. I have none anymore and it just hurts really badly. My parents got divorced, my grandpa died all in the same time frame and nothing ever returned to any sense of normality where holidays are concerned. We've yet to fall into any groove of any new traditions and it's been almost 10 years. I don't like that. I just want holidays to have some sense of specialness (I really don't care that specialness isn't a word...) and anything I ever try to do to create that just blows up in my face. We're not even talking about having lots of people in my immediate family here, it's me, my mom & Mike. With my dad it's him, his wife, she's got a son my age that is married and then Mike and I. Yet in the 2 years my dad and I have been talking again there's still no traditions there either. It just kills me. This year was supposed to be the year that they were going to be home for Christmas and nope, they're going out to see his wife's son again for the second year in a row. I suppose that's supposed to be my fault though because we didn't talk for so many years. I'm an only child for cripes sake, should it be so hard for me to get some traditions going? Something to count on?

Holidays suck and I'm done trying to do anything special to celebrate them. I'm giving up completely on Thanksgiving. It's one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't and at least if I don't I'll come out less heartbroken. I think next year I'm off to work in a soup kitchen.

6 comments:

Debi said...

Maybe it is time for you and Mike to start your own traditions. After the death of both my grandparents and my parents separation, my DH (at the time) and I started all our own holiday traditions...and it started at Thanksgiving. Jen, you can make the holidays anything you want them to be with special friends.

Michelle said...

Jen,
I completely understand. Since I split with my family, the holidays have been just quiet days with just Louie and I. We look forward to the 'no hassle' days. If someone invites us somewhere, we kindly decline. Holidays, for so many years, were nothing but stress, heartache, and backstabbing. I am better than that, and I deserve better than that. You are Mike are your own family, with Holly, and whoever you choose to include in that is your own choice, but don't do anything you don't want to. When a person dreads coming holidays, it's time to step back and decide what YOU want to do, and if it doesn't make everyone happy, then, so be it.

I love you. I hope you are feeling better today, and remember....tomorrow is the full moon....Ahhhhhh-OOOOOOOOO!!!!

Kristie said...

I understand how hard times like this can be. We have always been a very traditional and close family. About 6 years ago was really hard for me. Richard and I got married in May of 2001, I got pregnant in September, which was great and I already had Andrew. My mom and dad had been fighting really bad for several years and then I started having trouble with the baby and the doctor said I would not carry the baby. So Thanksgiving was very hard for me, not to mention mom and dad fighting. Then Christmas came and Mom and Dad split up 2 days after Christmas. So the next several months was just one big fight. I had Hunter in June, but was still sad for the fact that all of the family holidays were all screwed up and my kids would miss out on what I had when I was a child. Then it hit me. I am a grown woman with my own family. And I felt that my kids needed this family time. So all is back close to normal, except that I don't even talk to my dad and Hunter has only seen him once. I guess the main thing that I am saying is do what you need for yourself.
Kristie

Cindy (aka Peony the House Elf) said...

So I must be the bad parent who made all these years of holidays so rotton. I've been strugglng also for the past ten years trying to be both parents and keeping things going. Yesterday was an exception. When you're 88, have a bad heart, high blood pressure and it's spiking out of control the last thing to think about was eating a turkey dinner. I was more concerned with making sure my
mother stayed alive.
Today was spent with DR's on the phone trying to figure out what we are going to do next. So, if that makes me a bad mother then so be it.

Anonymous said...

Jen,
I am sorry you had a miserable Thanksgiving. I'd say next year start a new tradition with you and Mike and Holly at your house! Nice and low key and invite or not invite anyone you want! Just have a nice day doing what makes you both happy. I was going to suggest helping serve Thanksgiving to the homeless or volunteering somewhere that day but you did mention that. I think it is a great idea and maybe the start of a new tradition for you.
Dev (vtquilter)

Nancy-Rose said...

I emailed you Jen

Been there,
Nancy