Sunday, December 28, 2008

Feeling Guilty for not feeling bad

Ok, here's an odd post for you. I warn you, if you're not a regular reader and really haven't gotten to know me yet, just breeze on past this post and go no further. I really don't need judgements from those that don't know me. So why post right? Well, because I need to get this out.

So last night Jen, Mike & I are sitting down eating dinner in the kitchen. Mike apparantly hears my cell phone ringing from upstairs but since we were eating didn't say anything. I wouldn't have gone running to answer because of dinner and I think it's rude. Right away Mike's cell phone rings. He answers his but it's because he's sort of always on call. If there's an emergency where a contractor needs replacement parts to repair a watermain break, Mike's the guy to call. It was my dad. Right away kind of being an ass because he's calling Mike, "since he doesn't know when I'll look at my phone next." Seriously? Cause comments like that WILL make me run to answer my phone in the future?? Considering everyone else in my life that KNOWS me, KNOWS that I really hate talking on the phone.

He proceeds to tell me that his father is doing to die, that Don is at the hospital and he's going to get last rights and then have his vent removed. If I wanted to go to say good bye, now would be the time.

Ok, WHAT?? Since when was he in the hospital muchless on a vent??

He tells me that he told Mike last time he called. Huh? I checked with Mike. Mike does remember him calling at some point but never anything about my dad's father, hospital, vent; etc. So I ask him to clarify.

Apparantly he's been in the hospital (I still have no idea for how long or why he was there), my dad explains that the nurse was going fast and he fell out of his wheel chair. Which, since Jen works in the health care field was re-explained to me that it's more likely that yes he was being wheeled in a chair but that something must have occurred where he slumped and fell out of it but she said it always sounds so much better for families to say that someone was thrown out of a chair due to a nurses' fault. Honestly with how my dad's family is, I tend to believe my friend Jen. Ok, so then he says something about a gash on his forehead, broken nuckles. I still have no idea what caused him to be on a vent.

My dad asks me if I'm going to go and say goodbye. No, we're not close. I'd be an outsider there. I'm not part of his family in the way he seems to think I am. I've always been an outsider ever since the day I was born. Why would I go now? Why would I go say good bye to a man that was always mean to me? The kicker? My dad is on vacation in California. I say, are you coming back? No, we knew this was coming. That's when the whole "vent" conversation started. Ok seriously? WTF? So your dad is dying and you even went on vacation to begin with?

I have no idea if my dad will even call me to tell me once he's died. He gave me my cousins cell phone number and I was supposed to call if I had any questions or changed my mind about going to the hospital. Uh, ok, like I'm really going to call someone that I really don't know?? Someone who last year I sat at a back yard barbeque no more than 10 feet away from for over 12 hours and never said two words from me?

I really don't feel anything. I guess I feel sad for my dad and his family but other than that if anything I'm mad. I'm mad that he's saying he called when he didn't. I'm appauled that he thought I should go to the hospital to say goodbye to someone I never really knew when he can't be bothered to hop a plane home himself.

All in all, I guess I just feel guilty for not really feeling much of anything at all.


Regina said...

oohh - tough situation - don't blame you for not feeling anything at all though -

don't guilt yourself - they're the problem - not you!!!


Cindy (aka Peony the House Elf) said...

Don't feel guilty at all. I was in that family for 26 years and they never accepted me. They are a strange group. If it meant that much to him he'd hop on a plane and come home himself.

Kathy said...

Don't feel guilty! It sounds like your Dad is 'hoping' that you don't go, then he can have you to be the 'bad family member' and take some heat off himself.

He sounds like my MIL. Always, always starting problems in the family and then trying to look like the angel to everyone else. Don't get me started on that Woman.

Don't feel guilty -- just pray for your Dad -- that's all you can do.

Sandi said...

Jen, I am sorry for your situation. You take care.



Jen,I agree with you 100%,I have family like that too...see them and they don't even talk to you....THEN when something happens...whole other story!That is the sorry thing about relatives...unlike friends you just don't get to pick them! And I love looking at your quilts!

Amy said...

I understand how ya feel. sometimes family are more distant than strangers.I would not feel guilty for not going to the hospital.if your father could not go I would not let him make you feel guilty. maybe you are supposed to be the scape goat? don't let it get ya. thanks for the comment on the fabric. that really chaps my arse....have a good one

Moneik said...

You have every right to feel that way. We can't choose our family. He's the one who is feeling guilty and not caring to come home. Seriously> if he was worried he never would have gone. We deal with Paul's family this way too, so I know what you're feeling. Keeping you in my thoughts and praying things get better for you.

Anonymous said...

don't feel guilty jen. if your dad was so concerned, then he would be there. just another way to lay a guilt trip on you. put it out of your mind.