Sunday, December 7, 2008

Wicked Step People

My Dad and his wife were supposed to take me out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. When the doorbell rang only my dad was on the other side. Why? Because his wife decided that she doesn't trust me. Why? Because I don't call my Dad back as soon as he calls and she feels I've blown him off for the past year.

Huh, let's see. He ALWAYS calls while I'm working. Whether that be at my day job or my part time job. To me that's a passive agressive way to not actually have to talk to someone when you know they won't be able to talk to you.

I work about 50-55 hours per week, sometimes more. When I'm home I want to spend time with MY husband or quilt. I've even started hand sewing so that I'm downstairs with him more often. The last thing I want to do is be on the phone when I'm on the phone all day long at my day job. Texting and emails...LOVE THEM. When I have time to correspond with people at night it's usually 11pm or later. Does he want me to start calling at that time of night? Cause I could.

So we're at dinner and he's GRILLING me about when I work and what my schedule is like. Like I'm lying to him or something. Gee, if you'd ever turn on your computer and TRY to learn anything about your daughter you'd even see that I have a calendar of my whereabouts right on my blog.

Then he waits until Mike goes to the bathroom and launches into the whole why his wife doesn't trust me. And how she's afraid that I'll just stop talking to him like I did previously when my parents divorced.

Um, let's back up here. Like I did previously? Oh, I see so we're back to blaming ME for all of that. Not taking any responsiblity yourself?

And they expect me TO be more free with my phone calls in the future? What am I supposed to do, call on a weekly basis just to say, "Write down that I called, I have nothing to say, buh bye." I want to scream, "You've turned into your mother...everything tit for tat, complain that people don't visit or call."

I have NOTHING in common with them. It's painful to go there. It's painful to be on the phone with him. He doesn't get quilting and thinks it's just some lame 30 minutes a month thing that I dabble in. This of course from people who HAVE NO HOBBIES.

You'd think talking to them that the sun rises and sets on her son. That's ALL they can ever talk about. He's done this, this and that. In comparison, I'm nothing and believe me, it's made quite clear that I'm nothing in comparison. You'd think that I wouldn't have to be compared since I'm a totally different person. But, I am.

This is no Brady Bunch, that's for sure. Yet; I should still come for Christmas. Excuse me? What? Now let's talk about Christmas for a second. Months ago they invited me to Thanksgiving and Christmas. I said I'd do Thanksgiving and that Christmas would have to be Christmas Eve since I spend Christmas Day with my Mom. Weeks go by he calls and tells ME that they're going to go to California to spend Christmas with her son since I said I won't spend it with them. Huh? What? Fine, go to California but really why did you need to blame me? Does it make you feel better about yourself?

Someday when you can go back to treating me like ME your kid we'll be ok. Until then just keep going to California for Christmas. Oh, and thank you for the guilt and bullshit you dealt me for my really put me in the mood to celebrate.


Carol VR said...

Admittedly, I just dabble in sewing... but you...YOUR A MACHINE!!!!


jillquilts said...

OK, this HAS to be said and I am glad that I can say it! Your dad cheated on your mom with his new wife. HE CHEATED WITH THIS WOMAN AND NOW *SHE* DOESN'T TRUST *YOU*?!?!?!?! That's classic!

(((HUGS))) to you and I hope that you had a good birthday in spite of not feeling well!

Bethany said...

Your dad and his wife love making you miserable. It's also a way of getting back at your mom by digging into you. At least that's how I see it. Some people love to be miserable. They play the "martyr" and use people because of it.

Regardless of what you say or do, it won't matter to them. She will never trust you. He won't stop calling at odd hours. She'll always think her son is the best.

You and your hubby need a boundary plan. Tell them what the rules are (they'll throw a fit and make you the bad daughter) and stick to them. Be firm regardless of the temper tantrums.

You have NOTHING to feel guilty of. Tell your dad you can't talk right now, but can at x time. If she throws a fit, be glad you don't live with her.

Remind her that she knows your schedule and any calls in between those times will not be answered. Then don't answer the phone when he calls. Set boundaries.

Smile and tell them to have a great time in California. You haven't ruined their Christmas and they know it. If it comes up that you are the reason they are going, tell them, "Yep. Have fun!" Or tell them, " I haven't ruined your Christmas. You knew my plans for Christmas. Enjoy California".

When my FIL told me that the world was ending last Christmas, I told him I had a baseball bat and a lawn chair. You can stand guard. I'm not kidding..I said it. Rest of the visit was relatively peaceful.

Sorry ramble on. Dealing with my FIL and his wife has made me pretty good at running interference and setting boundaries. Yes, I got the silent treatment for about a year, but our relationship is much better.

Elaine Adair said...

Oh my - I don't know the past so ... all I can respond is as someone else said, Explain can't talk at work, set the boundaries and let it go.

Try to stay polite and be kind. You never know what COULD happen. You will never be sorry as long as kindness prevails. But you don't have to give in either.

Hey, Blogs are good places where we can rant. I've done my share recently, and even deleted it! LOL

Christine said...

Oh Jen, do I EVER hear you on that one. Your Dad and my Mom would get along FABulously. I've recently decided she's a narcissist. She refused to come to Thanksgiving. I don't expect to see her at Christmas either. And you know what dastardly thing I did to receive such treatment? I told her we were planning to adopt. Yep. Figure that one out.

You're only responsible for your own happiness. You don't need to worry about theirs.

Big Hug!

quiltin cntrygrl said...

Okay so I had a bad day at work and to top it off forgot it was your birthday!! What kind of friend am I? So happy super late birthday from me!! And then to top that off I think that you should leave your dad there and you and mom and mike come out to california to visit me and mom and Keith!! Yup thats what you should do.


Moneik said...

Don't let other people control your life. If he wants to be that way, just be nice and stick to what you say. I've never met Paul's dad, but he sounds very much the same and it's his problem not ours. We've gone on with our lives. 30 min a month??? - 30 min a day is more like it!

Amy said...

I must first say happy birthday,, and I hope despite the dinner, I hope you had a great day, I understand about the new wife stuff.I cant go into details here,, one thing I have learned is to eliminate the negative.. I stay away and when I want to speak to my father I call him,, if he then is busy, I did my part..some people have hobbies and life.. myself if we are not doing things I sit and sew or cook while hubby watches tv or checks his email... we can't stop our lives for other peoples insecurities and stroke them.. I dont want babble.. but keep your head up!! have a great day

Zegi said...

Having recently become a daughter to divorced people myself I totally sympathize. Hurt feelings are so hard to avoid. I hope you can let it roll off your back so that you can enjoy your birthday without their crazy judgements. And who knows - maybe golden boy will do something crazy like come out of the closet or check into rehab over Christmas. ;)

Infinity Quilter said...

Sorry to hear that your birthday celebration was interrupted by your dad and evil step-mother. It's a shame that some people don't have to have licenses to have children.

I wouldn't spend another second thinking about them. Tell them you don't want to see them again until THEY grow up!

Evelyn aka Starfishy said...

Yikes! Re-celebrate your birthday with friends and loved ones. And don't go out to eat with your Dad anymore - there is no polite way to escape at a restaurant. If you want to see your Dad opt for coffee and maybe a movie? Lunch on the go? Something fast where you can see him. If he does call you at work - go ahead and tell him that you will be glad to call him back at 11 pm and see what he says! Do not let mean people sabotage your life including holidays and celebrations - you are better off celebrating without them. You've gotten alot of good advice and it seems like you have a good support system in place. Enjoy your Dad-free Christmas!

Regina said...

Wow -Happy Birthday - why do people have to be like that????

Don't know what else I can add -except the problem is THEM - and not you!!!

Seams to Sew and Quilt said...

Jen, happy birthday a few days late. Sorry about all the stuff you have to go through.